The Teen Titan Answering Machine
by Rose Eclipse
Summary: "When there's trouble, you know who to call." Now everyone is calling Titans Tower! Random insanity and chaos galore.
1. Who stole the Batmobile?

_Beep!_

Hi, this is Robin. I'm busy kicking butt downtown or I'm playing video games in the Tower. If you're a friend, welcome! If not, I'm gonna bring you down. Leave your name and number after the beep.

_Beep!_

Hi ya'll, Cyborg here! Can't answer the phone since Rob and I are in the middle of _Mortal Scream IV _and I'm gonna whip him at this video game! Leave a message in my left arm and I'll call later. Booyeah, 5,000 bonus points!

_Beep!_

This is Raven. I do not want to be disturbed. Leave me in my solitary silence and call later when my father is not around to-

_**Worship me, you ignorant human fools! Raaaaaaaar!**_

_Beep!_

Hi, this is Speedy. If you want to reach me or Tuna Breath, we're away right now. Call back later, thanks.

_Beep!_

Hi, this is Aqualad. Speedy, if you call me "Tuna Breath" one more time-

_Beep!_

Hello, Robin. Yes, it's me again. I'm still out there, waiting for you to take action with your team. Most likely you'll try to get my mask off but end up with a black eye yourself. Do not think you can defeat me. I have my own plans.

_Beep!_

Ok, Slade, you asked for it! Titans! Get the T-Car! Get the R-Bike! Get the Batmobile! We're going to bring Slade down once and for all-

_Beep!_

Rob, we don't HAVE a Batmobile. . .

_Beep!_

I snuck it out of Gotham City. Anyway Slade, you'd better say your prayers because I'm going to kick your ass into next Tuesday, and then-

**CLANK!**

**WHUMP!**

_Beeep!_

This is the lean mean green fighting machine known as Beast Boy! Slade, you are SO busted, big time. I hate you for driving us nuts. I hate you for making Terra my enemy. And I HATE it when you make Robin all hysterical. Every time you call, he starts babbling like a moron about defeating you. So I've hit him over the head with a frying pan.

And once he comes around, I'm gonna turn you into tofu pudding.

_Beep!_

Hello, this is Koriand'r, princess of Tamaran, but my friends on earth call me Starfire. Robin, is this machine on? Am I doing the right thing? What does this little button d-

_KFT!_

_KFT!_

_KEFT!_

Forgive me. That was the annoying sound of static in the background. I am here right now, but shall be unavailable once I turn the machine off. When I do, you may speak into the recording device known as the "answering machine". It is not to be confused with the washing machine, which I found out requires soap. Please do not pour soap into this machine or add your clothes.

_Beeep!_

Robin, I want my car back. **Now.**

_Beep!_  
Robin, this is Speedy. You are _busted!_

_Beep!_

Hello, this is Jinx: specialized witch perfected in spells, curses, and troubles galore. Leave your name and address and I'll be happy to hex you once I get back. Hee hee hee. Oh, and you're that blue-coated witch known as Raven, I got once word for you: _Nevermore!_

_Beep!_

Cyborg? Beast Boy? Can you hear me? It is I, Starfire. I have not been able to locate Robin at this time nor have I found any clues that lead to Slade. He is not in the Tower potatoing the couch either. Perhaps Robin has gone to the dark black scary building with flashing lights that you call "arcade of the videos" or he has gone to throw heavy balls against pins. Is this some form of hunting?

_Beep!_

No Star, it's called "bowling". And I found Robin. He was in Gotham City but now he's back. What's that large swirling vortex doing on top of the Tower right now? Is it from your home planet?

_Beep!_

I see you've returned the Batmobile, Robin. Never do that again. **Ever**.

I hope you're proving to be a mature and responsible leader for the Titans. Make sure you're brushing your teeth twice a day and getting at least nine hours of sleep every night. Do you have enough clean underwear? If not, I'll have Alfred send over some extra pair-

_Beeeeeeeeep!_

Woah, Robin! I had no idea...underwear. Ha ha ha ha ha!

_Beep!_

SHADDDUP!

_Beep!_

Hello, this is Brother Blood with the Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination. We are known as the HIVE but don't call us for honey orders. I am currently planning another diabolical plan to stop those pesky juvenile delinquents known as the Titans. Shall you wish to assist me, leave a message and I will be _thrilled _to have another minion in the crusade against the Titans. Bwhahahaha!

_Beep!_

This is Cyborg. And Brother Blood, NO WAY are we juvenile delinquents. In fact, make sure you spank that little brat known as Gizmo a couple dozen times until his butt is all red. That booger brain practically destroyed my precious baby!

_Beep!_

Robin, its Raven. Why is there an army of sword-welding samuri on the roof? And where did all of those animals come from?

_Beep!_

So Titans, how do you like my little portal that opened up into the world of Anime? Have fun playing with the Pokemon! Bwhwhahahahah! I, Jinx the witch have done it again.

_Beep!_

BB, get your butt over here into the Tower and get these little pocket monsters off the walls! I can't stand it anymore! No, PUT THAT DOWN! Arrrrgh, there goes Pikachu chewing on the wires again. Oomph! Ow!

_Beep!_

**"Hello, you have reached the Justice League of America. If you know your party's extension, you may press it at any time. For Superman, press 1. For Wonder Woman, press 2. For Flash, press 3. For Green Lantern, press 4. For Batman, press-"**

_Beep!_

Hello, this is the Teen Titans! It's an emergency! WE'RE OVERUN WITH POKEMON! HEEEEEELP!

_Beep!_

Speedy, it's Green Arrow. Tell the Titans not to panic. Just feed those bizzare creatures as much ramen soup as they can until Superman arrives.

Also, I got a complaint from Bumblebee. She says you keep trying to grab her ass. Don't make me send Wonder Woman out to hurt you.

_Beep!_

Hey, Rob? Who's the guy with the red S on his chest in the Tower? Wait a minute-I know! Its Slade's newest apprentice! Slade, you are SO dead! I'm going to cram your face into the wall, Hardware Head!

_Beep!_

Beast Boy, I have nothing to do with the Justice League's intervention, though it is a pity that the Teen Titans are incapable of handling some pint-sized pocket monsters.

As for your threats, they most certainly are amusing. I have yet to see you even bite my ankles, small green changeling. Heh heh heh.

_Click!_

Man, I hate that guy.


	2. Of teacups and applesauce

_Beep!_

Hello, Slade. It's Adeline. I know we haven't spoke in years SINCE OUR DIVORCE but I was cleaning out my apartment and THINKING ABOUT OUR CHILDREN when I realized something is missing and DID YOU TAKE THE MING VASE?!

_Beep!_

Titans, this is Superman. Your home is now almost completely safe of Pokemon trouble and most of the little pocket monsters have been sent back through the portal to their own world. The Spirit Detective said he was more than glad to take them back. All in days work, boys.

The reason I said 'almost' is because Beast Boy is keeping one as a pet. Hope you all don't mind, he seemed attached to the little creature. Up up, and away!

_Beeeeep!_

BB, NO WAY are we havin' a Pokemon for a pet! We've already got Silkie, who pucks on the couch and ate the remote, so give me one damned reason why we should adopt a Pokemon or I'm gonna serve it with eggs for breakfast!

_Click!_

_Beep!_

Come on, Cy, Silkie needs a friend and Pikachu is just perfect. He's small and cute and really really awesome. Besides, we'll save money on the electric bill.

Oh, and Robin? We just got a weird package in the mail. It's a large green box covered in question marks. Is this another wicked joke or should I be scared?

_Beeep!_

Beast Boy, don't touch the box. Don't even move. I'm coming back to the Tower right now.

_Beeeeeep!_

This is the Titans Tower, Starfire is speaking. We have gone out to stop another creative and yet very bad criminal, this one apparently fond of guessing and games since he sent us the riddle: "_How can you divide 15 apples among 16 people?"_

Robin has been very intense and could not find the solution until Beast Boy said, _"Make applesauce!"_ Therefore, we are all going to the Metropolis Applesauce Factory to find the villain. We shall be there shortly, so please leave your message and no more riddles. Thank you!

_Beep!_

Robin? It's Speedy. Can I hide out in the Tower for a few days? Wonder Woman wants to kill me and by the look on her face and the way she whips that lasso she just might succeed.

_Beep!_

Speedy, it's Aqualad. If you weren't such a pervert, then you wouldn't be on the endangered species list.

_Beep!_

Robin, it's me, Beast Boy. We just got some call from a woman named Mrs. Adeline Wilson. She said if we get a ming vase back for her, she'll help us kick Slade's butt.

What are we supposed to do, break all of his teacups!

_Beep!_

Robin, it is I, Starfire. Could you please explain to me the function of a rubber duck?

_Beep!_

Speedy, it's Robin. We've just come back from the Metropolis Applesauce Factory, sorry it took so long. You missed a show with the Riddler. He wanted to paint the town in apple mush up but he was-

_Beep!_

–He was no match for the Teen Titans! Boo-yeah!

_Beep!_

If you want to crash for a while, its ok but it'll come at a price. You have to help us finish up eating all the free applesauce we got from the factory. By now even tofu sounds good as long as it isn't applesauce!

_Beep! Beep!_

_Click!_

Hi, this is Titans Tower. Happy post Thanksgiving everyone, and I hope you are all done eating _dead birds _for the time being-AHEM! You can have some applesauce instead. We're out right now, so please leave your name and number after the beep. For those of you with the holiday shopping list, I'd really really REALLY like a moped for Christmas.

_Beep!_

Beast Boy, knock it off!

_Beep!_

Ouch! Hey Rob, cut it out! Let me go! The moped, don't forget it!

_Beep!_

This is the Teen Titans. We're away for now. Leave your name and number after the burp.

_Buuurp._

Wait, hang on a second. Let me try that again.

_Buuuurrrp!_

Hmmm . . . . still not enough! Better finish the soda.

_**BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!** _

Ah, much better!

_Beep!_

You are SO disgusting. I'm going back to my room.

_Beep!_

Someone has broken into my vault and broken all of my good teacups. You will rue the day you defied me, Robin.

_Beep!_

Robin, this is Starfire. May I ask how it is possible for Slade to drink any liquids or beverages if he is wearing his mask? I do not assume that he uses a straw.

_Beep!_

Hey little sister, its me, Blackfire. Didn't think you'd be so bored to death acting like a goody two shoes, fighting for justice, helping little old ladies cross the street, and eating applesauce. Anyhow, I don't want to ruffle your feathers dear Starfire, but I need to chill for a while. The Centari Twin Moons Defense Troops are onto me again and you wouldn't turn your own sister down, would do?

I'd LOVE to see the rest of the Titans, especially Robin. Mmm, he looks just vicious in that mask of his!

**ZAP! ZAP! KFT!**

_Beep!_

You have reached the answering machine of the Amazing Mumbo! Sorry I'm not here to entertain you, but I have yet another act for the night! Leave your wand at the door and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you, thank you. You've been a lovely audience!

_Click! Click!_

Yes, this is Jinx, the enchanting sorceress. Mumbo, can you write me a letter of recommendation to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? I'm sick of hanging around this annoying nose picking toddler and a brainless hairy ox.

_Beep!_

This is Gizmo. Who you callin' a toddler?

_Beep!_

Titans, this is Alexander Smith. I saw you superheroes kick butt at the dance a while ago. You guys are so cool! Anyhow, I found a pink wig at the Soho Warehouse after that party a while ago. Is it yours?

_Beep!_

Beast Boy, you let that ugly little monster get free, didn't you? No one goes into my room, no one chew through my robes, and nobody sleeps in my bed except for me. You have until tonight to get rid of that Pokemon or _otherwise I will!_

_Beep!_

Robbie-poo! It's me, your darling cuddly sweetheart Kitten! Meow! Thank you sooo much for that adorable yellow hamster I got in the mail. I know you really cared about me. I know you really loved me! Once I'm out of prison, I'm going to be your girl forever and ever and EVER-

**ZAP! ZAP! KFT!**

_Beeep!_

This is Robin, leader of the Teen Titans. We're on our third answering machine since Starfire blew up the first two of them. Guys, I'm telling you that Mr. Wayne may not mind helping out with the alarm system but he won't be so happy about us setting fire to the appliances.

_Beep!_

Dude! Can he get me a moped too?

_Beep!_

Ello, duckies! It's me, the Master of Mayhem, the British Best Bungler of them all, Mad Mod! Mwhwahahhaahah! Since you pipsqueaks have not yet discovered my secret hideout, I shall be prepared to taunt you night and day with Monty Python Madness. Cheerio and all that, Titans! Don't forget to drink your tea and eat your biscuits.

_Beep!_

Um, guys, there's a penguin standing right on top of the T.V. If it lays an egg, it'll fall down right behind the screen and mess up the wires. That'll be nasty. Raven? Cyborg? Got any ideas?

_Beep!_

Beast Boy, wat's it doing here? Where did it come from?

_Beep!_

Um. . . . Gotham City?

_Beep!_

Man, BB, don't you know anything? Penguins don't come from Gotham City, they come from the zoo!

_Beep!_

Cyborg, I just finished reading up the migration patterns of penguins in the South Pole.

_Beep!_

Aw, c'mon Raven! Ya want me to build a T-Snow Blower and have us hike all the way down to-

**KA-BOOM!**

_Beep!_

Hello, Titans. This is Raven. There _was_ a penguin on top of the T.V. but it just exploded.

_Beep!_

Hey Titans, it's me, Bumblebee. Tell Speedy I'm going to get Mas and Menos to drop him off in the Bermuda Triangle if he doesn't stop asking me what color underwear I have on. I know he's with you guys. He can't keep hiding and eating applesauce forever. Cyborg, do me a favor and punch his lights out the next time you see him.

_Click! Click!_


End file.
